*slides up to a cute chick* hey babe ever notice how theres a ‘u’ & an ‘i’ in yuri
On Controlling and Emotionally Abusive Parents
A truly wonderful person (not going to name them in case they’d rather not be named, but you know who you are and thank you) sent me a few links regarding abusive parenting. Not all abuse is physical, and I’m finding that the way my parents treat me, and have treated me, is abuse. Emotional abuse. They’re controlling, demanding, berate and insult me, look down on me and everything I do, don’t trust me, always assume I’m up to no good or something is wrong with me, and manipulate me. I’m almost 24 and dread interactions with my parents. I get so stressed out before visiting them I can’t sleep. I’m so stressed while they visit I get stomach aches and sometimes start my period early despite being on birth control pills (that I had to fight them to be able to take in the first place despite being 18 when I started them). My skin breaks out and I get severe headaches. Afterwards all I want to do is sleep and I have no motivation to do anything but sleep and recover and never wake up.
One of the things I was sent I really wanted to share, because it really hit home to me. Everything marked with an x at the end is true for me, growing up and now.
When you were growing up, your parents…
1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life (x)
2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards (x)
3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them (x)
4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them (x)
5. Violated your privacy (x)
6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you (x)
7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself (x)
8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities (x)
9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others (x)
10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong (x)
Even today as an adult, you…
1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents (x)
2. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why (x)
3. Feel confused by parental mixed messages (x)
4. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents (x)
5. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents (x)
6. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself (x)
7. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents (x)
8. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice (x)
9. Get tense when you think about being around your parents (x)
10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent (x)
I wanted to share this for anyone else out there who can relate to these things, and to remind you that it’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. The things they say are not true, you are not a terrible child, you are not a terrible person. None of this is because of you. I don’t know what can be done, because I’m only just figuring all this out for myself, but know that you are not alone and that this isn’t normal.
My whole life I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety, but my parents believe me to be “over exaggerating” or “lying for attention” so neither has been diagnosed. I’ve had little control over my own life until moving out, and even then not much as far as big decisions go. Everything I do is scrutinized and faults are found where none exist, I’m considered too stupid or naive to make any of my own decisions, and in order to do things like have my own private bank account I had to do it sneakily and keep it a secret for years out of terror I’d be forced to close it or be forced to give my parents access to it. I’d have to delete all search history and never stay logged into anything on my personal computer in my bedroom because my parents would regularly search it, as well as hide all of my files behind layers and layers of folders with misleading names. I’d dress in layers so I could remove certain clothing once I got to school because I wasn’t allowed to wear all black or match certain shirts with certain pants for no reason. The first time I dyed my hair I didn’t ask permission first and was grounded for a month, but then my mom let me keep doing it because it “looked bad” when the dye started fading. They regularly are upset by and insult my hair, telling me things like “Next time don’t cut it so short, people will think you’re a cancer patient” or “People are going to think you’re a dyke” or “Good god, are you trying to look like a clown?” (I’ve learned to block it out by now and have gotten very good at noncommittal grunting responses to things)
As a teenager I became a compulsive liar, even about little unimportant things, because I was terrified of my parents judging what I did, who I was friends with, and what my hobbies were. Telling a lie gave me a tiny amount of privacy even if it was over something stupid like what movie I watched with a friend. I still feel the compulsion to lie to my parents about everything from what I ate for dinner to what I spend time not working doing, and often give into that compulsion even if it’s something that doesn’t matter at all. They’re so disappointed with my life as it is, it’s not like it matters if I change or embellish things. They still don’t know that I routinely stay the night at my boyfriend’s parents house when we visit them even though they have us stay in separate rooms, so according to them when T goes home to visit I drive back across the Bay Bridge and sleep at the apartment or we only stay for a day instead of a weekend. They probably wouldn’t care, but instead they just don’t know. And I’m terrified to tell them even though it isn’t important.
I’m finally reading about it and realizing that most of my neurosis, anxiety, and depression comes from my parents. I’m learning that not everyone deals with this and this isn’t how parents normally behave. I’m also learning that a lot more people than I thought, unfortunately, actually do know what this is like. That even as an adult living on my own and paying all of my own bills my parents still control my life in a big, and negative, way. I have no idea what to do with this information, but now I have it, and learning is the first step.
If you have parents like this and you’d like to talk about it, my Ask box is open and anon is on, and I won’t publicly publish anything unless you say it’s okay. You are not alone and it’s not your fault. You are not a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken or faulty. You are allowed to live your own life and be happy.
I hope it’s okay to reblog this (I assume yes, but just double checking)
“As a teenager I became a compulsive liar, even about little unimportant things, because I was terrified of my parents judging what I did, who I was friends with, and what my hobbies were. Telling a lie gave me a tiny amount of privacy even if it was over something stupid like what movie I watched with a friend.” (emphasis mine)
My bedroom didn’t have a door, and I wasn’t allowed to put up a curtain. Questioning my parents was beyond my capacity for imagination; I was already regularly screamed at for the expressions on my face. I did a lot of things that sound pretty fucking weird now, because I was breaking under the strain of growing into an individual and simultaneously being forbidden to do anything that would allow me to express or nurture that individuality. If you had caretakers who respected your personhood, it is very hard for me to explain what it felt like to be so completely without any privacy of person or mind, or how desperately I cherished any symbolic scrap.
OP, I don’t know you, but your words certainly describe a lot of my experience very well. Thank you for that, and if you’d like me to take this down just say the word.
Every so often I’m struck by the fact that I’m 27 and I still dress like I’m in high school.
See, it has bothered me when other people make note of it, but on the whole I like my graphic tees and work boots and jewelry cobbled together out of random bits of metal. But I have to admit I threw away a fair amount of money on a pair of bondage pants I couldn’t afford until college but felt I could only wear in high school. :(
Thanksgiving headcanon: Bucky totally attends every Thanksgiving dinner he’s invited to, from the group Avengers meal to the one at Becca’s home to the Capfamily one with Rikki and Steve and Sharon and Sam, and ends the day full of like 8 different turkeys and well on the way to drunk but it’s totally worth it.
HYDROCODONE MIDNIGHT THEATRE PART TWO: TURKEY SOLDIER
Featuring probably many inaccuracies but my inaccurate bits are better than some canon bits so I say stuff it.
TURKEY SOLDIER, I AM DYING SO HARD HERE